Observations
by TheSilverboar
Summary: This is a goofy little one-shot that I decided to write after seeing a couple of hilarious Harry Potter tumblr posts. I won't tell you what they are, as that would give it away, but it gets pretty obvious inside. Basic concept for the 'plot' (or what passes for one) is that Harry wants Voldemort to die being laughed at and humiliated rather than feared. Rated T for language


Observations

-Harry-

Grinning widely he calmly tilted from side to side, effortlessly dodging the curses from Voldemort, the Dark Lord growing more and more fatigued with each spell as the onlookers watched in awe at a seventeen year old grinning as they faced down against the greatest Dark Lord to date. Doing a limbo style dodge he grinned as the wind from the flying Avada Kedavera parted his hair as he laughed "Nice one Voldy!" he called out "And thanks! The breeze it gave off felt _wonderful_!".

That comment got a round of snickers from the audience…well, the ones on his side anyway. The captured Death Eaters looked somewhere between shitting themselves in fear and ranting at him for disrespecting their master. "Stand still and die Potter!" Voldemort screamed at him, sending yet another curse flying only to stumble from the effort which turned out to be wasted as he, once again, lazily dodged the slow spell.

"And why the hell would I do something stupid like that?" he asked in genuine confusion as he began to slowly approach the Dark Lord, simply stepping to one side or the other to avoid the slow curses that Voldemort managed to muster up, "Do I look like a Malfoy?".

"Hey!" the two born Malfoys yelled in anger as he calmly flipped them the bird.

"Anyway," he said as he reached Voldemort who was on his hands and knees panting, sweat covering the scaly form of the abomination as he grinned and leaned over, using the bald head as an armrest while the battlefield fell silent at his action "Tom, do you mind if I call you Tom?".

"My name is not Tom!" Tommymort yelled angrily, still not able to stand up.

"Of course it is, I read your birth certificate." He said, waving off the anger as he pulled out a copy of Voldemort's birth certificate, something he had Dobby get a hold off to piss of the Dark Lord, and waved it in front of his enemy before tossing it to the crowed.

"Where did you get that?!" Tommymort demanded in shock.

"I have a badass minion." He said with a grin as Dobby popped in looking smug before walking over to the shocked, and subdued, Bellatrix Lestrange and kicking her in the Shin.

"That is right Mr. Harry Potter sir!" Dobby yelled happily while kicking a fallen over Bellatrix "Evil crazy lady has very poor aim!".

"And you have a very good healing factor due to how much you got from being my house elf." He added with a grin as he watched his friend and 'minion' work.

"That too." Dobby said with a serious nod before deciding he had kicked Bellatrix enough…and moved to go give Lucius the same treatment.

"Anyway," he said, calmly ignoring the Malfoy's yelps of pain "as I was saying. As I spent the past year tracking down your Horcruxes and destroying them…I made an observation.".

"And that would be?" Voldemort demanded angrily.

"You are a lot like a stereotypically clichéd teenage girl." He said with a wide smile as the battlefield became as silent as the grave….apart from the sounds of his Minion earning a bonus.

"Why you insolent little-!" Voldemort began only to be silenced as he pulled out some duct tape from his mokeskin pouch and taped the nuisance's mouth shut.

"Behave yourself Tommymort," he chided "but as I was saying. You chose a ring, a locket, a tiara, your 'special cup', your private diary, and your favorite pet to hold your soul…what's next? Do you have a teddy snake you go to sleep at night at your lair?".

As he spoke the silence soon gave way to snickers as everyone of his allies, and even some of the death eaters, began showing their amusement at what he was saying…Voldemort simply yelled louder through the tape gag.

"Added to the fact that you have some _serious_ issues with mommy and daddy, you smack around your posy when you don't get your way, and you wear a dress!". At that point the real laughter started, none laughing louder than Ron and Hermione as they leaned on each other for support at his very valid point. Seriously, he wore Robes…whatever the hell Voldemort used to cover his scaly ass was a freaking _dress_.

"And…he…he's ob-obsessed with a famous…t-teenaged boy!" Ron chocked out between bouts of laughter which set off a new round of hysteria among his allies, several more joining in with Ron and Hermione at not being able to stand up straight.

Putting more pressure on the arm that was resting upon Voldemort's shiny ass head he hummed thoughtfully "Hey Tommymort," he asked "I have a question. If Amortentia smells like what people love the most and you're incapable of love…does that mean it doesn't have a smell to you?". In way of response he got muffled yells from behind the duct tape, "Ah, my bad." He said with a wide smile before grabbing a corner and yanking that shit off as hard as he could…who knew Voldemort's scream would be that high pitched…well you learn something new every day.

"Why does that matter?" Neville yelled over from the crowd "He doesn't even have a nose so what difference does it make?".

"Good point bro!" he called out as he looked down at the panting Voldemort who was trying to reach for the Elder wand that had been dropped when his enemy had fallen to the ground. "I'll take that." he said calmly as he snatched it up just before Tommymort could grab it. "You know," he mused as he twirled the elder wand between his fingers "you actually might have stood a better chance of winning if you hadn't been a dumb ass and used this wand against me.".

"That is the most powerful wand in the world Potter!" Voldemort Wheezed, "How…how did you overcome it?!".

"This wand is passed down from owner to owner by defeating the previous one right?" he asked the Dark Lord as Voldemort nodded weakly, "Well whoever said you had to _kill_ the previous owner to defeat them? Draco over there," he pointed at the younger Malfoy who was currently on the receiving end of a pile driver courtesy of Dobby "disarmed Dumbledore when the man was distracted thus making Draco the Master of the Elder Wand…until I decked his ass a couple weeks ago and became the Master.".

"Y-you…" Voldemort panted wide eyed.

"Duh, that's what I just said." He snorted "Anyway, the Elder Wand doesn't like people using it to attack its master…so it drained your ass of your magic more and more with each spell until now….well even freaking Lockheart could nuke your pale scaly ass at this point.".

"Assuming he can figure out that his potted plant isn't a fan girl." Hermione said with a snort as more and more people began laughing, the fear beginning to be forgotten.

"To be fair a potted plant and a fan girl do have the same amount of intelligence." He reasoned diplomatically. "Anyway, there was something else I wanted to do…oh yeah!" reaching into his pouch he pulled out the pieces of his Holly and Phoenix feather wand and called out "Reparo!" as the Elder wand fixed the broken tool of magic.

"Much better." he said happily before taking the elder wand and snapping it in two, getting a feeling of gratitude from the destroyed wand now that it wouldn't constantly be changing hands as a tool for murder.

"You…you…" Voldemort stammered wide eyed, a look that was slowly starting to replace the amusement of his allies…well he couldn't let that happen.

"Unlike you Tommymort," he snorted "I don't need the wand equivalent of Viagra…then again maybe you need some real Viagra. You're what? Seventy? Get your pale old ass into bed with some prune juice, you are too old to invade places." He scolded the 'feared' Dark Lord as if the monstrosity were a misbehaving child as the laughter returned with a vengeance.

"Why…Potter?" Voldemort wheezed weakly as the laughter just increased and increased, people in the crowd throwing out their own jokes and insults about the downed villain.

"Why do this?" he whispered to the villain who nodded weakly. "To humiliate you." He said with a simple shrug "To make it so that your final memory on this earth isn't of people cowering in fear of you or people watching your final battle with bated breath…but of them laughing their asses off at how pathetic you are.". with that he picked up a chunk of rock and brained Voldemort with it, letting the School itself get revenge for all the harm Tom Riddle had caused her as the magically constructed body disintegrated.

Turning to the crowd he walked over to Ron and Hermione with a grin, stopping just before them and opening his arms as a blur shot into them. "Hey there pretty lady," he said happily as he hugged back his girlfriend of two years, Luna Lovegood "enjoy the show?".

"Yep." Luna said with a happy grin as Ron and Hermione gapped, he idly noted Ginny stomping off angrily in the background but he didn't care, he was still miffed about her slipping him love potions the year before.

"What?" he asked his friends with a raised eyebrow "Who else would be crazy enough to help me think up a stunt like that?" as Luna nodded happily in agreement.


End file.
